He stood there unhearing, unseeing, and shocked into a mute state. The feeling of having lost someone special felt like a lead block in his chest. Heavy, crushing him on the inside. Suffocating, drowning him in a feeling of hopelessness.
He replayed the entire argument in his mind over and over again, her hurt filled eyes and her betrayed expression piercing through him like hot needles. One announcement from Shanaya had spelled out everything for Khushi in the worst possible way. One announcement was all it took.
As human nature would have it, Arnav clung onto the faintest sliver of hope. Maybe Shanaya just thought that she was pregnant.
"Are...are you sure?" Arnav asked. His voice was barely above a whisper.
"Yes." Shanaya spoke confidently. "I've taken several pregnancy tests...Sheetal even did a blood test. I'm pregnant."
Arnav flinched at the word as if he'd been slapped.
"That...that night, we didn't use protection..." Shanaya spoke quietly.
Arnav threw her a glare at the reminder of that horrendous event. How dare she stand here and remind him of that when he was trying to register the fact that Khushi may have had feelings for him, after all.
Shanaya took a step closer. "I know that you said you didn't want to get together again but I think it's the best idea...our baby should have both his parents with him, don't you think?"
Shanaya reached out to place a hand on his shoulder but he twisted away from her touch as if she was something toxic.
"Arnav!" Shanaya gasped. "Arnav...please don't leave me now. I...I need you with me now more than ever...this is your baby Arnav...our baby!"
"ENOUGH!" Arnav roared. "Stop it!"
When he saw Shanaya bite down on her lower lip and her body tremble in fear, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to rein control on his temper.
Take it easy Arnav. She's depressed. She's suicidal.
"Just...I know what happened and you're...p-pregnant." Arnav spat the word. "Just stop repeating it okay? The fact that I'm standing here in front of you instead of being with Khushi and trying to sort things out should be proof enough for you."
"So...you won't abandon me and your baby?" Shanaya questioned.
"Chotte!"
Arnav whirled around to come face to face with his Di and Rohan, shell shocked and frozen a few steps into the penthouse.
"Di?"
"What the fuck is going on?!" Anjali exclaimed.
Anjali was a relatively calm person and didn't use abusive language too often. Just from her use of the profanity, Arnav knew how much shit he was in.
"Anjali!" Shanaya hurried over to her. "Make him understand! Please tell him that he can't leave me with this situation. I swear...I promise...this is his baby!"
Anjali looked between the sobbing woman in front of her and Arnav, who seemed to be confused and angry.
"Say something, Anjali! You can ask him if you don't believe me!" Shanaya turned to face Arnav.
"Arnav?" Anjali didn't put her question into word but that one word from her was more than enough.
Instead of answering her, Arnav turned to look at Khushi's door. He could've sworn that he'd heard a sound akin to a sob. The sound had left a gaping hole in his chest where his heart should've been.
"Anji is asking you something Arnav...Answer her." Rohan spoke with the authority of an elder brother.
"Is the baby yours?" Anjali crossed her arms and fixed Arnav with a glare.
"I..." Arnav tried to answer but couldn't come up with a definite 'yes' or 'no'. So instead, he said, "I don't know..."
Shanaya covered her mouth with her hand and broke down. Anjali, being the empathetic woman that she was, wrapped an arm around her instantly, looking to provide support. Rohan walked over to Arnav.
"Dude...what do you mean you don't know?!" Rohan pulled Arnav away and spoke in a hushed tone. "Did you or did you not sleep with her? Is there any chance that what she's saying is true?"
Arnav blinked. That was exactly the question Khushi had asked.
"I...we...yes." Arnav fidgeted on his feet even as his eyes kept glancing at Khushi's bedroom door.
"Yes what?! That you slept with her? That she may be pregnant with your child? Yes, what?" Rohan pushed.
"I...that baby...is mine." Even as he said it, he felt an odd feeling of uncertainty settle within him.
Yes, they had slept together. Yes, they had forgotten to use protection. But could he be absolutely sure that she hadn't done the same with someone else? No.
But...he had spent most of the time in the last month with her. She had barely stepped out of the house.
"When the hell did you get back with her?!" Rohan whispered fiercely.
"I didn't." Arnav spat. He was already feeling guilty and rotten to the core and Rohan's damned questions weren't making it any better.
"I think there is some things you need to figure out with Shanaya." Rohan spoke calmly, not wanting to irk Arnav unintentionally. "Anji...let them talk...come."
Anjali was looking at Shanaya pitifully and then turned to glare at Arnav. Without a word to Arnav, she took a step past him only to stop at his trembling voice.
"Di..." he sounded like a child pleading with his mother. "I'm sorry Di..."
Arnav knew he had disappointed Anjali. She may have a modern outlook but some things, such as pregnancies out of wedlock, was still something that she didn't approve of.
She sighed dejectedly and turned her head slightly, still not quite looking at him.
"Just sort everything out with Shanaya, Arnav."
Anjali and Rohan took a few more steps towards Anjali's room.
"Di?" Arnav called out and Anjali turned to face him again. "Di...Khushi..."
Anjali's face changed suddenly and she looked like she'd been punched in the gut.
"You don't have to worry about her." And with that, Anjali whirled around and stalked away.
That evening, through his dazed and blurred conversation with Sheetal and Shanaya, all Arnav could think about was Khushi. The woman he loved. His best friend. She may have feelings for him. He had hurt her. He'd made her cry.
The thirty seconds when his mind had drifted from Khushi was when he'd read the blood test report. The single line which declared Shanaya's pregnancy stood out like large block letters. Even to this day, Arnav couldn't recall what had followed after he left Shanaya's place that night. All he remembered was being parked in front of a beach, watching the waves dancing with the rays of dawn.
He'd called up his father in need for desperate guidance.
"Dad..."
"Arnav? What's wrong? Are you alright? Is Anjali okay? Are any of your friends hurt?" Arvind went off on a long chain of questions upon hearing his son's tired and sad voice.
"Yes dad...I...I hurt her. I made her cry...I lied to her...I betrayed her, dad..." Arnav leaned his forehead on the steering wheel.
Arvind was a long time speaking after that. "Khushi?"
Arvind's question was met with silence and in that silence, the old man found his answer.
"Arnav...it can't be that bad that you can't make up...you love her right? Go and talk it out..." Arvind said in a soothing tone.
"It won't fix anything." Arnav whispered.
"And why not?" Arvind challenged.
"Shanaya's pregnant. The baby is mine." Arnav spoke in an emotionless tone.
Arvind was quiet for so long this time, that Arnav was sure that he had hung up. A couple long minutes later, Arnav was about to look at the screen to make sure he was still connected when he heard his father's voice trickle through.
"I wish I could give you a solution that you'll like but I can't. Your responsibility towards that child should precede all else for now...as should the well being of the woman carrying it." Arvind spoke with controlled calm. Arnav got the feeling that if he were in front of him, his father may have lashed out.
"But dad...Khushi..."
"I've told you before too...You should have told her way before...this whole jealousy game plan has completely ruined everything for you. And what're you expecting from Khushi now? Even if you tell her how you feel and even if she feels the same way, do you really think she'll ask a to-be father to pick her over his unborn child?"
Arnav knew the answer to that. He knew it too well. Khushi would make sure that he and Shanaya were together for the sake of that child. Being a daddy's girl, Khushi was well aware of the importance of a father-figure in one's life and after having lost her own, she would never take that away from anyone.
"I'm sorry Arnav...this time I only have the bitter truth for you. I have nothing to say right now that will make you feel better." Arvind disconnected the call.
____
After spending another day in torturous solitude and another night on deserted roads, Arnav found himself standing in front of Khushi's bedroom door early in the morning. The last time he had seen her or spoken to her had been nearly 48 hours ago. Although, he had been avoiding her lately, this time around, he kept feeling his heart clenching painfully as if it was trying to point out something to him. He felt suffocated when he thought about her and the need to see her in those moments was like the need of oxygen to alleviate the suffocation.
Even against the screams of his instincts, he let the guilt resurface and carry his feet towards his room.
As he walked into his room, he took off his jacket and tossed it over the back of the office chair in front of his desk. He plopped onto the bed and let the exhaustion take over.
I'll see her tomorrow. That was his last thought before he slept.
If only.
____
He didn't wake up until the early afternoon. He dragged his feet as he sleepily made his way towards the washroom. He emerged some twenty minutes later, freshly showered, with a towel wrapped around his waist.
An unknown dread seeped into him constantly, making him feel restless and jumpy. His movements were highly uncoordinated while he got dressed. Feeling lethargic, he walked out of his room only to freeze again.
"Di?!" Arnav hurried to his sister who was sobbing softly while Rohan tried to pacify her.
Everyone except for his sister turned to look at him. Her and Khushi.
Where is Khushi?
"Di? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Arnav knelt in front of her but she didn't look at him. Arnav turned to Payal to ask her a question but found her in tears too.
Just what the hell is going on?
"Akash...Ro? What's going on?" Arnav asked, choosing to ignore the fact that even they looked upset.
"You...You still don't know?" Rohan asked disbelievingly.
"Know what?" Arnav spat, a tendril of fear flickered in his heart.
"Where's your phone, Arnav?" Anjali questioned in a stern tone, still not looking at him.
Arnav frowned and his eyes lingered to the wall at the far end of the room as he tried to recall where his phone is.
"I think it's in my jacket pocket...but what does that have to do with anything?" Arnav's frown deepened.
"Check your phone. You'll understand."
Annoyed by the riddling answers, Arnav stood up in a huff and walked into his room again. He strode in five long strides to get to the chair and nearly ripped his jacket apart in an attempt to take the phone out of the pocket. He frowned, seeing that it was dead. He shuffled through his drawer and pulled out the charger.
Seconds later, after being plugged into a source of energy his phone pinged to life. His heart thudded in his ears, loud as drums as he took in the statistics.
22 missed calls. 13 text messages. Most of them from Khushi.
With a trembling finger, he pressed the necessary buttons to read Khushi's messages.
I got into Medical School. I told the others yesterday. Wanted you to be the first one but you've been busy.
Arnav inhaled a shaky breath as if bracing himself for something to hit him.
I don't know why you're so hell bent on ignoring me and I'm done trying to figure it out. I can't do this anymore.
Arnav's heart felt as if his heart had frozen over.
I'm leaving Arnav. My flight is in four hours. Its nearly 7 in the morning and you're not home. We'll leave for the airport in half an hour. Where are you?!
His frozen heart exploded in an agonizing burst of flames.
We're driving to the airport now...I didn't see your car in the parking when we left. My flight is at 11. I don't know why I expect you to come there to see me off but I do.
He staggered back a step.
Arnav, my flight leaves in an hour. This is the last time I'm texting you.
Another step back and he felt the wall press into his back.
I was really hoping to see you one last time. You must be mad at me for leaving, I guess. Anyway, I want you to know that I'll always remember, Alis volat propriis'. Always. Goodbye, Arnav.
("Alis Volat Propriis" translates to: "She flies with her own wings.")
Arnav checked and rechecked the string of messages, looking for something that announced that all this was a sick joke. That it was a prank.
But there was nothing.
His eyes zoomed in and focused on the two worded parting sentence: Goodbye, Arnav.
The longer he stared at it, the more the walls closed in on him, the shorter his breaths got, and the more pain his heart felt.
No! She wouldn't! She couldn't have!
He walked out of his room, determined to call their bluff, and he walked right into her room.
The vacant room hit him with the force of an iron wall. He froze a couple steps into the room and took in the cold and unwelcoming bed, the empty desk, the abandoned bookshelf, absence of everything that was Khushi. Still unconvinced, he walked to her closet; almost praying to a God he didn't believe in. He opened the closet door with exaggerated slowness as if he would find a hidden monster in there. There was nothing. No monster, no clothes, not even a single thread from her clothes, not a single sign that she lived in this room for years.
Never before in his life had he thought that a mere empty room would bring him to his knees. His eyes scanned the room over and over again while he desperately hoped that in the blink of an eye, the room would be filled with Khushi's stuff.
Nothing like that happened, of course.
Desperately seeking answers, Arnav rushed out into the living room and met four pairs of eyes looking at him.
"Tell me this is a joke...tell me it's a sick prank!" Arnav spoke to his Di. "Please, Di...please."
His voice broke at the last word as the lump in his throat successfully choked him.
"She's gone..." Anjali spoke quietly.
Arnav retraced his steps back into Khushi's room, closed the door behind him and leaned against it as Anjali's words echoed loudly--too loudly--in his head. He slid down to the floor, swept over by hopelessness and heartbreak. Then, Arnav Singh Raizada did something he hadn't done in the last eleven years.
He cried.
He cried tears of hurt realizing over and over that his best friend was gone. He cried tears of guilt, knowing well that he'd hurt her repeatedly in the last month. He cried tears of self-loathing, recalling her heartbroken expression. He cried tears of anger because he had the love of his life in front of his eyes and his stupidity had taken her far from him.
___
Khushi's vacant room had become Arnav's sanctuary in the last month that she'd been gone. If he thought that he was heartbroken and in pain after waking up next to Shanaya, it was nothing compared to what he felt now.
He hadn't cried after that day. He hadn't spoken to anyone about his feelings. He hadn't confided in his sister or his friends his feelings for Khushi. He hadn't even asked them where she went.
He felt like he no longer had the right to do so.
Even then, he'd sent her an e-mail a couple days ago. He'd had lashed out at his friends and Di because they were talking about selling Khushi's furniture. He'd absolutely refused to let them go through with their sales plans and in the heat of the moment, he'd forgotten the decision he'd made.
He had decided that he wouldn't go after Khushi. He'd hurt her and she needed time. Getting into medical school was her Babuji's dream and he knew that she would fulfill it at any cost. He wasn't going to get in her way. Not anymore. He wouldn't cause her more stress, more pain. She was probably better off without him, anyway.
Even then, he'd e-mailed her. She hadn't replied. Ever. He was almost convinced that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
Almost.
(Flashback Ends)
A song that describes Arnav's situation perfectly! Do Listen! (Chapter's title is inspired by this song) [Some Lyrics Embedded in Red]
That 'almost' had quickly changed into 'definitely' the moment she had announced her engagement.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing...Just Prayin' to a God that I don't Believe in...
Wouldn't he even get a chance to explain himself? Wouldn't she give him a chance to tell her how much he loves her? Wouldn't she give him a chance to tell her how torturous these years had been without her by his side? Just one more chance!
What Am I Gonna Do When The Best Part of Me Was Always You...
Was it that easy for her to forget everything?
They say bad things happen for a reason...but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Forget him? Forget what they shared, including the emotions that they hadn't vocalized? Move on enough to get engaged to another man? All in the span of just three years?
Cuz She's moved on while I'm still grieving
Was he not worth a second chance?
Cuz When a heart breaks, no It don't break even.
"Fuck!!" Arnav's colossal waves of anger returned with vengeance, triggered by the memories of the bitter past and the even bitterer present.
I'm falling to pieces...
He whirled around and kicked the office chair out of the way. Ignoring the pain in his wounded hand, he picked up a medium sized metal statue; he smashed it onto the glass table, shattering it into fragments, causing the contents atop it to clatter onto the floor.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing...Just Prayin' to a God that I don't Believe in...
Cuz When a heart breaks, no It don't break even.
What Am I Gonna Do When The Best Part of Me Was Always You...
I'm falling to pieces...
I'm falling to pieces...
Cuz When a heart breaks, no It don't break even.
"That's perfect. Why don't you break another table...Maybe then you'll get Khushi back."
Arnav's head turned at break-neck speed towards the main door where his father stood, looking angry, accompanied by a nervous looking Akash.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that? Go on. Break another table. Turn another penthouse inside out. That's sure to undo her engagement with NK. That will bring her back to you." Arvind's voice was cold and dripped with sarcasm.
"Dad!" Arnav warned, not too interested in his father's caustic remarks at this point. He took a deep breath and tried to rein his temper. "What are you doing here dad?"
"We're here to talk some sense into your idiotic brain." Arvind mocked.
"Dad..." Arnav's eyes flickered to Akash in an unsaid warning.
"He knows." Arvind shrugged.
What the fuck! Can at least one thing go the way I want in this lifetime?!
"You weren't supposed to tell anyone." Arnav accused.
"I didn't. He's a sly fox. He may be the quieter one out of your lot but he sees and comprehends more than you think. He figured out everything on his own." Arvind looked fondly at a sheepish Akash.
"It wasn't that hard...I've seen him change after she left...besides, his behavior around NK and his reaction to the news of their engagement gave it all away...I'm surprised the others don't see it." Akash shook his head.
It was quiet for a few moments until Arnav spoke up again. "Wait...how did you know I was here?...Aman!" Arnav answered his own question.
"You forget that I know about this personal space of yours, Arnav." Arvind looked around for a place to sit but his son hadn't left a single corner suitable for the same. "What the hell are you doing here anyway?"
Arnav looked away, missing the exchange of glances between Arvind and Akash.
"I've had enough of your stupidity Arnav. You've let her go once...don't let her go this time." Arvind spoke seriously.
"It's too late, dad."
"Shut up. I wasn't done talking." Arvind held up a pointed finger when Arnav opened his mouth to talk again. "And for your information...it's not too late."
A sudden hope flickered within Arnav. "Are you saying she's not engaged?"
"Oh, she's engaged. Very much engaged to NK but...she's only engaged...not married." Akash added his two cents confidently.
Arnav opened his mouth to say something but closed it when no retort came to him.
"I thought you were smarter and stronger than this Arnav. You took off on a bloody whim as soon as you found out...if you'd stayed back, you may have gathered more information...crucial information." Arvind shook his head.
"What information? What're you saying, exactly?" Arnav was getting impatient now. He didn't appreciate being bothered when he was trying to brood and mope in solitude.
"Khushi and NK got engaged three weeks before she came to India..." Akash began pacing as he spoke. "But their wedding date hasn't been set yet. From what I've gathered, they both want to wait until they're done studying...which leaves a solid year until they even decide on a date..."
"More than enough time for you to win her over." Arvind concluded.
The room witnessed silence again as the three men exchanged glances. Arnav couldn't believe that his dad and Akash were standing here, trying to hint that Arnav should work towards breaking up NK and Khushi's engagement.
What the--!
"I don't believe this!" Arnav was appalled. "Dad...I thought you didn't believe in breaking relationships!"
Arvind shrugged--nonchalance at its best. "I'm a selfish father. My son's happiness takes priority for me. Having said that, I would never suggest this if they were married already...or if I knew that they were seriously involved."
"I think an engagement is pretty serious involvement dad." Arnav turned away.
"Will you shut the hell up for a second?!" Arvind finally lost his patience with his son. "This is exactly why you should have stayed and not disappear for four days!"
"What he means is...Khushi and NK weren't in a relationship before they got engaged. It's an arranged marriage." Akash smiled as if he'd relayed some top secret information.
That piked Arnav's interest. He turned to face them again, his eyes twinkling with a newfound sliver of hope.
"Khushi's mother hadn't been keeping well...she suggested that Khushi settle down...and I guess in a conversation with NK's mother, the two of them came up with this alliance. I can't say for sure but I think Khushi's agreement for this alliance was simply on the basis that she didn't have a reason to say no'." Akash shrugged. "They're friends...they get along well and you can't deny that...they also have a common passion for dance...they're both doctors...on what grounds would she have said no? Besides, you knew Khushi better than any of us...you know that she'll do everything in her power to make her parents happy."
Arnav thought over the new information for a couple of minutes, the wheels in his head turning at rapid speed, connecting dots with incredible accuracy.
"I have a year to mend things and tell her how I feel..." Arnav spoke more to himself than the others.
"Precisely...but make it happen as soon as you can." Arvind smiled. "And along with that...you'll have to be civil with NK."
Arnav frowned in disapproval immediately. Arvind held up his hands defensively before Arnav could snap.
"I know, I know...but...He's not a bad guy, Arnav. You have to remember that he was there for Khushi when none of you were with her...she was alone in a new place and she found a friend in him...apart from that...you also need to be friendly with him because you need to get to know him...figure out where he stands in his relationship with Khushi. If he harbors feelings for her...this is going to be nothing but, metaphorically speaking, a battle between two kids, fighting over a shiny new toy..." Arvind shook his head.
"You already know that Khushi's very attuned to her friends and NK isn't any different...you'll want to remain on her good side...which means that you're going to be nice to her friends...in your case...it means you'll have to be nice to NK...she wasn't too impressed with your departure that day after her announcement." Akash sighed.
"Another reason you need to come back is you sister, Arnav. She's getting married in a week and you haven't been around...no one is happy about it." Arvind's tone returned to that of a stern father.
Arnav turned towards the window again and stared out of the glass as he contemplated the suggestions. He raced his memory and realized that NK and Khushi didn't behave like an engaged couple. Khushi seemed to treat NK the same way she treats Akash and Rohan. Like a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. He hadn't imagined everything that had transpired between them on the day of Anjali and Rohan's engagement right? You couldn't possibly imagine the kind of tangible chemistry they shared.
He was too arrogant to admit that NK was polite with everyone so he gladly ignored that detail.
He did, however, admit that Arvind and Akash were right. He hadn't been thinking rationally when he'd left abruptly. He knew Khushi better than to just believe that she could have moved on so easily. And even if she had, did he have a right to be angry with her? Why should she have waited for him, anyway? It's not like he had given her a reason to.
But now he will.
He will give her a reason. A reason to break the engagement with NK. A reason to return to him. A reason to acknowledge his love for her.
He had nothing to lose at this point, technically. Arnav may have been stupid but ASR was shrewd. ASR knew that Khushi won't make this easy for him. He had hurt her and it was in her nature, as is in humans, to guard herself from further pain from the same person.
ASR's mind worked up a plan, complete with a set of actions that he would put into play immediately. Back-up plans also in place, just in case.
"I'll come home tomorrow morning." Arnav announced to the glass wall.
"No. You'll return home tonight." Arvind spoke in a no-nonsense tone. "You're supposed to attend that charity Dance Showcase..."
"Lavanya has been driving everyone crazy with the reminders." Akash rolled his eyes.
Of course. Arnav had completely forgotten about the Dance Showcase that Lavanya and her students had put together. All the proceedings from the tickets sales were to be donated to an organization which supported Autistic kids.
"Alright...let's go then." Arnav turned to face them, his face set in newfound determination.
Akash grinned widely, understanding. Arvind looked thoughtful for a second and then nodded.
"I'll be your right hand man for this mission" Akash announced.
"I don't think that's--" Arnav began but Arvind interrupted.
"No. He's right. Your temper and idiocy gets in the way too often and yields disastrous results. You need someone to keep you in check...I would have liked to help but clearly, my advice was thrown to the winds years ago..." Arvind frowned at Arnav's sheepish expression. "Maybe Akash will be able to hold you to the plan better...whatever your plan is."
Arnav took the next few minutes to explain the plan to them. It wasn't an elaborate conspiracy. First he would find out where NK stands in all of this. Arnav will modify his plans accordingly.
All discussions later, the three men made their way towards the door, ready to begin Mission Khushi'. Just as Arnav closed the door behind him, sealing the penthouse which looked like it had been through a catastrophic storm, Arvind turned to face him suddenly.
"Arnav...whatever you do...DON'T. MESS. THIS. UP."
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