Chapter 17: Bitter Memories

He stood in front of the floor to ceiling window of the thirtieth floor of the building, staring out at the neighboring skyscrapers of Delhi, along with rooftops of many smaller buildings.  His hands were clenched into fists and shoved into the front pockets of his trousers to prevent them from causing more damage than they already had.

His personal work studio, a place where he locked himself up and worked away during stressful days, lay scattered behind him.  Papers and samples of fabrics were strewn around the entire place.  Anything fragile that once belonged here was now reduced to shards and shattered pieces which were scattered all over the floor.  His coat and tie were buried under the mess somewhere.

The icy blast from the air conditioner was pathetic and useless against his boiling blood.  His eyebrows were etched in a frown and his eyes prickled with tears that wouldn’t come.  As he watched on, his eyes registered a number of things.  The bright sun, birds flying around, trees swaying in a gentle breeze, flickers of colours as flocks of people moved around and above below on the roads, looking like little specs to him.

Everything that he saw reminded him of her.  A reminder of her reminded him of a memory that he was trying to lock away.  He clenched his fists tighter, against the protesting pain in his left hand.  He knew that if he pulled his hand out to check, he would find the wound opened and bleeding again but he didn’t care.

How could he care about a meaningless cut on his hand when his heart was shattered?

He had never felt so weak and helpless in his life as he did now.  He hadn’t felt this way when he had the wretched argument with Khushi.  He hadn’t felt this way when he had found out that she had left.  Because then, there was hope.  Hope that things would eventually work out.  Hope that somewhere down the roads, their paths would merge again.  Never had he imagined that when another path would join hers before she came back to him.

After her announcement four days ago, all of that hope had vanished, dragging Arnav into an abyss filled only with pain, guilt, and blinding rage.

He pulled out his left hand from the pocket and held it, palm-up, in front of his face.  He looked at the white bandage around it which was, as expected, tainted faintly red from the blood that must be seeping below it.  Just the mere sight of the white strip hauled Arnav into the last coherent memory of his.

(Flashback)

“Nk.”

“What?!”  Anjali and Payal shrieked simultaneously.

“Is this a joke?!”  Anjali narrowed her eyes.

“Of course not, Anjali…Why do you think that I brought NK with me to your wedding?”  Khushi raised an eyebrow. 

“I haven’t noticed the ring all these days!”  Payal spoke as she eyed Khushi’s ring.

“I took it off, obviously…it would have given it away…”  Khushi replied in a bored tone.

“I…I don’t know what to say…why didn’t you tell us?!”  Anjali said in an accusatory tone.

“I told you…I didn’t announce it earlier because it was your engagement…I didn’t want to steal your thunder.”

 “When did this happen?”  Rohan, although surprised, spoke much more calmly.

Arnav’s grip clenched around the glass more even as the flimsy material protested mutely.

“About three weeks before I came here…”  Khushi answered quietly.

Arnav saw red.  She had been engaged this entire time?  Ever since she had step foot in India, ever since he had met her again…through the dance at the cocktail party, through the workout session, through the dance practice, through yesterday’s dance performance…she had been engaged to NK this entire time?

As his rage broke through the boundaries, the glass shattered in his hand.  Ignoring the fresh cut across his palm, Arnav stood up with so much force that the chair tumbled backwards.  Without a backward glance, he had stormed out of the dining hall and within the next half an hour, he had found himself seated in his SUV, heading towards the airport to catch the first flight to Delhi.

(Flashback Ends) 

The past four days had passed by in a slow, agonizing blur which included numerous glass structures broken, numerous files ripped apart, countless tears of anger, frustration, and loss.  It was almost as if life had thrown him back to those dark days three years ago.

As he shoved his hand back into the pocket and stared out straight ahead at nothing in particular, his mind was engulfed in the events that had led to all of this mess in the first place.

(Flashback)

Arnav watched as she stared up at the exam centre nervously.  Shaking his head at her, he pulled her into his arms without a warning.  He felt her press herself closer to his chest and he smiled in response.

“You’ll be fine, Khush.  As usual.”  He pulled apart and kissed her forehead encouragingly.  “Go and make me proud...I’ll be here when you’re done.” 

She gave him a big smile and turned to enter the fancy looking building.  She had merely taken a step away from him when he grabbed her wrist again.  She turned to look at him confusedly.  He frowned thoughtfully at her and she raised her eyebrows at him.

“I get the feeling that you’re hiding something from me...”  He began.

Khushi blinked a couple of times and her expression told him that he’d hit the right nerve.  He waited patiently as she thought over his statement.

“There’s something I want to tell you...”  She admitted.

Hope instantly flickered within him.  He knew that in a few days, he was going to talk to her about how he felt towards her, what she meant to him, how much he loved her.  He had done everything he could to try and figure out whether or not there was someone Khushi seemed to be interested in and he’d figured out that there was no one.  Not Joel, not Arnav himself...no one.  This was better than her being interested in someone because that would change everything.  Now that he was sure there was no one, he had decided to stick with his initial decision which was to tell her how he felt.

Could it be that she wanted to talk about the same thing?

“I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now...but...I guess today seems like a good day...post exams and stuff.”  Khushi smiled nervously.

“We’ll talk tonight.”  He smiled at her and let go of her wrist, looking content.

 Smiling widely at him, she quickly leaned in to kiss his cheek and waved him bye before rushing to her exam room.  Arnav stood there feeling dazed for a couple of minutes.  His mind very hopeful about their conversation and his vision filled with the various expressions of Khushi’s that he may get to see once his feelings become known to her.

The shrill ringing of the cell phone brought him out of his thoughts.  Cursing the technology, he pulled out the phone from his pocket.  He frowned at the caller ID when he realized who it was but answered the call regardless.

“What do you want, Shanaya?”  He spat bitterly.

“I’m Sheetal…Shanaya’s cousin…Sha-Shanaya has tried to commit s-suicide and she keeps asking for you…Please…please get to her place as soon as you can!”  The unfamiliar was frantic and shaky, as if she were on the verge of tears.

“Fuck!!”  Arnav was already running towards the driver’s side of the care.  “I’m on my way!”

He hung up, tossed the phone on the seat next to him, turned the key in ignition, and took a sharp turn to head back towards Shanaya’s place within seconds.  He drove, uncaring of the traffic rules, while his mind filled with guilt.  He ran his hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture many times during his drive.

All the women he dated casually knew what they were getting into when they entered into a relationship with him.  All of them, including Shanaya.  She had admitted that she wasn’t looking for anything serious right now either, then what the hell was the meaning of all this? 

Within the next fifteen minutes, Arnav had pulled onto the driveway of Shanaya’s house.  Before he reached the door, a fair skinned girl who looked around his age, opened it.

“A-Arnav?”  Her voice shook and she dabbed at her cheeks to wipe her tears.

Arnav nodded in response and the girl stepped aside to let him in. 

“Thank you so much…I…I didn’t know what to do!”  The girl said as she half jogged towards the end of the hallway leaving Arnav to follow her.

“How is she?  Did you take her to the hospital?”  Arnav fired the appropriate questions but there was no time left for the girl to answer back because they’d reached the room.

Arnav felt shock paralyze him as he took in the sight in front of him.

Shanaya was sitting on the bed, cross legged, wearing her pajamas, holding a sharp knife against her wrist even as tears streaked down her face.

“Shan!!  No!!”  The girl who had greeted Arnav lunged towards her and grabbed a hold of Shanaya’s hand, prying the knife out of her grip.

“NO, LET ME!!  Let me die, Sheetal!  I love him…if I don’t get him, I’m going to kill myself!”  Shanaya screamed and thrashed while Sheetal tried to wrap her arms around her cousin.

“Shanaya, listen to me!”  Sheetal raised her voice too.  “He’s here…Look!  Arnav is here!”

Sheetal turned Shanaya’s face towards the entrance of the room where Arnav was rooted in the same spot, too shocked to move.

“Arnav!”  Shanaya exclaimed and smiled widely, albeit tearfully.

She wrenched herself out of Sheetal’s grip and jumped off the bed.  She ran the remaining distance and threw her arms around him, clutching onto him with all her might.

“I knew you would come!  I knew you’d come back to me!  Don’t…Don’t ever leave me again…I love you!  I know you love me too…I knew you’d come…”  She mumbled and muttered the same few sentences over and over again, still holding onto him, although, he stood as still as a statue with his arms by his sides.

Some distant voice in his head screamed at him to throw her off, to pry her hands off of him and to just turn around and leave.  Leave and go back to his Khushi.  But the larger part of him made him wrap his hands around Shanaya and try to calm her down. 

Arnav Singh Raizada may be a playboy, he may be an idiot who was playing stupid jealousy games to get some reaction from the woman he loved but he was still human.  He may be a Casanova but he wasn’t heartless.

So he led the sobbing woman in his arms to the bed and sat her down.  He patted her back gently and held her as she sought solace.  In a few minutes, she had fallen asleep. 

Arnav sat there feeling numb and guilty to the core.  He didn’t know how he had managed to hurt this woman to the point where she wanted to kill herself.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  He wasn’t a murderer, damn it!

For the next couple of hours, while Shanaya slept, Arnav stared blankly at the wall, unsure of what would happen now.  He was aware that the girl named Sheetal was still in the room but she was quiet and so was he.  Even as he sat there, recalling the flabbergasting sight that had greeted him here, there was a nagging feeling within his heart that made him feel like he was forgetting something.

Later, he would realize that he was forgetting that the woman he loved was waiting for him back at the exam centre.  He would realize that he was forgetting that it was their Thursday night out today…which he was going to miss.

“Tell me everything.”  Arnav said weakly, not really addressing Sheetal.

Sheetal took a deep breath and sighed.  “I spoke to her on the phone a week ago…I…I’m a resident doctor, you see…and I picked up hints of depression when I spoke to Shanaya…so I’ve shifted here for a few days to keep an eye on her.  She’s been having suicidal thoughts for the past two days and I kept letting it slide thinking that she’s just trying to get attention…but today…I found her with the knife against her wrist…she seemed to be having second thoughts and that gave me enough time to stop her…and I made that call to you from her phone because she kept asking for you…”

“Why haven’t you taken her to a doctor?!”  Arnav exclaimed, suddenly angry.

“Did you not hear me?!”  Sheetal was suddenly agitated.  “I am a doctor!  She refuses to go to any other…and…I haven’t told her parents about any of this…apart from me…only you know…”  Sheetal sniffled.  “I honestly think all she needs is a bit of time with you and she’ll be fine…I don’t want this to ruin her future……people with these kinds of cases struggle in the real world and I don’t want to put ‘suicidal tendencies’ on her record…”

For the next half hour, Sheetal had explained everything in detail while Arnav had listened with growing numbness.  The knowledge that Shanaya had tried to kill herself because of him sent ice shards through his very being.  He had sat there quietly, his mind in a state of limbo, until Shanaya woke up around 8.pm.

After her initial joy that Arnav was still sitting next to her, she had fallen into her normal behavior, much to Arnav’s relief.  Arnav tried his best to entertain her, to do what she requested, simply to make sure that she was happy.  According to Sheetal, even a tad bit of grief or disappointment could push her to depression and that was the last thing Arnav wanted at the moment.

It was that notion that had led to the round of drinks that night.  While Shanaya and Sheetal brought out their stocks of alcohol, Arnav had noticed the large number of missed calls on his phone, especially from Khushi.  He had sent her a barely informative text, letting her know that he would be out that night and that he would see them tomorrow.  Once the girls had settled in the living room with him, they had downed various cocktails over a light conversation, while some action movie played on the TV screen.

The next coherent memory Arnav had was waking up the next morning.  He was instantly aware of the satin sheets under him, opposed to his Egyptian silk ones.  The next thing he had realized that some woman was in his arms.  He knew for a fact that it wasn’t Khushi.  He could recognize her touch even in sleep. 

He looked down to see Shanaya sleeping peacefully while her head rested on his chest.  Instinctively, he tried to move away from her, only to register the next fact.  His shirt was missing.  So were his jeans.   While he removed his arms from around her, he realized that she was equally bare under the sheets.

His breath was suddenly strangling him as he connected the dots.  He couldn’t have!  He had a couple of drinks the night before and then he had slept…he had no memories of Shanaya and him doing anything else.

Because we haven’t done anything.  He told himself, in an attempt to keep the colossal waves of guilt at bay.

Not wanting to touch the woman who was clinging to him, Arnav wiggled away, waking her up in the process.

“Arnav?”  She drawled as she lifted her head to look at him.

Arnav, however, looked everywhere but at her.

“Thank you so much Arnav…” Shanaya rested her chin on his chest and looked at him endearingly.  “Last night was the best night of my life…”

Arnav’s heart clenched painfully, making his spine shiver unpleasantly.  “W-what do you mean?”

“Oh come on…you know what I mean…after everything that happened between us last night…I know that we’re meant to be…it was so perfect…”  Shanaya sighed dreamily.  “Oh, this is such a great feeling…surrendering yourself to the man you love…I’m glad that you’re the one I lost my virginity to.”

The gently spoken words fell painfully loudly against Arnav’s ear drums.  The trickles of guilt broke through the control and he felt a storm raging within him.  He felt absolutely furious with himself and at Shanaya.  He felt guilty, hurt, ashamed, and disgusting; all at the same time.  His ears tuned out anything else Shanaya might have said because they were filled with an odd buzzing sound.  He was staring at the ceiling, not really seeing the patterns of the floral wallpaper.

“What’s wrong, baby?”  Shanaya shook him a little.

Arnav flinched and tried to wiggle out of her grip.  This time, she actually let him go.  “N-Nothing Shanaya….I just need to use the washroom.”

He picked up his jeans from the floor and donned them before stepping out of her room.  He took long strides towards the washroom in the hallway.  As soon as he was within the small room, he shut and locked the door behind him, resting his back and head against it for support.  He shut his eyes as Shanaya’s words echoed in his ears, making the hangover-headache more profound.

All these years, through the sea of women he’d dated, he’d made sure to not sleep with them.  Though his hormones allowed him the occasional kisses, his feelings for Khushi had always held him back from taking things any further with the other women.  Hell, after every kiss he shared with some girl, he’d feel guilty for hours afterwards and now he’d gone ahead and done something he had promised himself he would never do.

He looked into the mirror, his guilty expression staring back, reminding him of what he’d just done.  As he raised his hand to run it through his hair, his eyes fell on the small innocent-looking anchor sign on his hand.

He felt the bile rise up to his throat as the thoughts of Khushi and how he had woken up this morning fought for supremacy.  Turning on the tap, he leaned over the sink and slapped cold water on his face angrily. 

He had let Khushi down.  He had betrayed her.  He had insulted his feelings for her.  He had slept with Shanaya.  He had let Khushi Down.  He had betrayed her.  He had insulted his feelings for her.  He had slept with Shanaya…

“Fuck!”  Arnav punched the wall next to the mirror, ignoring the sharp pain that shot its way up his entire hand.  “FUCK!!”

He rested his palms flat on the counter on either side of the sink after splashing some more cold water on his face.  His eyes scrunched up in the internal agony that surged through his veins and his body shuddered even as he tried to shut his mind off completely.  He was just coming to the realization that he liked the state of limbo he has experienced yesterday far more than this guilty awareness.  He was hit with an urge to leave from the place and escape somewhere.  And he did just that.

After brushing his teeth with the toothbrush that Sheetal had handed him, he quickly told Shanaya that he needed to head out.  When she had looked like she was nearing a panic attack, he’d been forced to promise that he would come back in the evening.

He was oblivious to the traffic on the road or of his destination as he drove aimlessly, for hours, trying to shake off the sinful feeling.  But it wouldn’t go.  With every minute passing, the dread weighed down him more and more, leaving him utterly penitent.  The music blared in his car, making the metal body shake with its force, but it did little to wipe out the ringing in his ears, the echoes of Shanaya’s voice.

He found himself surprised when he noticed that he’d driven home eventually, and was parked in the basement parking.  He glanced at the dashboard clock and clenched his jaw.  It had been over 24 hours since he had seen or spoken to Khushi.  And his life had turned inside out within a single day.

Khushi.  How was he supposed to face her now?  She would read him like an open book.  He didn’t want to tell them about Shanaya and have them worry about it.  It was his mess and he would have to sort it out…alone.  He knew that speaking to Khushi would make him feel better but that was out of the question after what he’d done last night.

His hope that he runs into no one came crashing down the moment he opened the door to the penthouse for everyone was present in the living room.  A fleeting glance and alert ears had been enough to gather that.  He felt, rather than saw, Khushi’s presence in the room.  He mumbled some greetings and walked directly to his room, particularly avoiding meeting Khushi’s gaze which seemed to be boring a hole in his back as he walked away. 

Within minutes, he’d found himself stark naked under the forceful stream of the shower in his washroom.  The water that cascaded down his body did absolutely nothing to help ease the guilt or the pain.  Especially now that he was in the same penthouse as Khushi, the feeling of wrongdoing crushed him more than before.  He scratched and scrubbed at his arms and chest frantically, suddenly feeling disgusted with the memory of Shanaya’s touch. 

Once he had stepped out, his skin felt raw as he dried himself before putting on his boxers and jeans.

When he opened the door and stepped out of washroom, it took him merely a second to see Khushi’s head turning in his direction.  He kept his eyes averted as he walked to his wardrobe and pretended to be searching for something.

“Did you need something, Khush?”  He spoke with his back to her, trying his best to sound casual.

There was a second’s pause before she replied.  “No...I just wanted to talk to you...”

His hands stilled.  He recalled that he had expressed his worry about her hiding something from him and her admitting that she wanted to tell him something.  He would have been ecstatic at the thought of this conversation 24 hours ago but so much had changed since then.

 Making a decision, he resumed pretend-searching again.  “Let's talk later, Khush...I’m drained...I think I’ll take a nap.”

“Are you feeling okay?  We got worried...we didn’t know where you went...” 

All the pent up frustration managed to seep through a crack in his control.  “I’m fine.  And I’m not a child; I can take of myself, Khush.  I just had to see a buddy...he’s....going through a bad break up.”

It technically wasn’t a lie.  Shanaya was going through a bad break up.  So bad that she had tried to kill herself because of it.  Before the thoughts of last night could cloud his mind again, Khushi’s sharp voice grabbed his attention.

“If you don’t want to tell me where you were, you don’t have to.  Just don’t lie to me.”  She snapped.

Arnav felt his body stiffen under the impact of her words.  He knew she would figure him out but he tried to make her second-guess anyway.  “Why do you think I’m lying, Khush?  I was with my friend.”  He tried to sound casual.

“Oh shut up.  You think I don’t know when you’re lying? I’ve known you for a long time Arnav...and if your tone didn’t give away your lies, then the fact that you haven’t looked at me for a second during this entire conversation is ample proof that you’re lying.”

He heard her angry retreating footsteps and guessed that she was about to leave his room.  He inhaled a deep breath, composed himself, and turned to look at her.  He had to do this before the guilt claimed his sanity.  She wouldn’t know where this was coming from but he needed to get the words out anyway, as little impact as they would have on anything.

“Khushi?”  He called out to her gently.

She froze with her hand on the doorknob.  She stood stiffly, her back facing him.  He waited for her to turn around but she didn’t.  As much as he would have liked her to face him, he was actually glad that she hadn’t.  He knew that he won’t be able to bring himself to look her in the eye for a few days now.

“I’m sorry.”  He rasped out.

He saw her muscles relaxing a little bit and she turned her head sideways, still not quite looking at him. 

She didn’t ask anything further nor did he clarify.  With a curt nod, she stepped out of his room and slammed the door shut behind her.  Even after she was gone, he stood in his spot for a long couple of minutes, simply staring where she had been.  He felt bereft…as if he’d lost something precious.  His mind conjured up a lot of “what if” scenarios for him. 

How would this conversation have been gone if Shanaya was never in the picture?  What would he have said to her?  How would she have reacted to his confession?

He locked his door, turned off the lights of his room and let misery take over once again, for succumbing to the guilty inferno was easier than fighting it.

He hadn’t realized when he had fallen asleep but the shrill ringing of his phone had brought him back to consciousness.  Sheetal’s frantic voice had greeted him, saying that Shanaya was starting to panic again.  Within minutes, Arnav had left the penthouse and was on his way to Shanaya’s.

That night, he had felt compelled to keep physical distance between him and Shanaya.  He’d refused the drinks and actually paid attention to the crappy reality show on TV.  He had, as politely as he could, refused to stay over that night and had reassured her that he would be back the next day.  After leaving her house, he had driven around aimlessly, trying to buy time before he had to return home.

Luck was clearly not on his side because his attempts to come home late enough to avoid meeting anyone had been thrown out the window when he walked in and found everyone seated in the decorated living room.

Cheers and choruses of ‘Happy Birthday’ rang out in the penthouse and he plastered a forced smile on his face.  He let himself get pulled into multiple hugs as they wished him wholeheartedly.  In the stress of everything that had transpired in the last two days, he had completely forgotten about his birthday but that didn’t mean that he was going to deprive the others their fun.

Everyone’s happiness with this celebration rubbed off on him after a while and he felt a genuine small smile appear on his face when he cut the cake.  For these few minutes, he decided, he would allow his grief to stay locked away.  He fed the first bite of the cake to his Di, followed by Khushi and then the others. 

Despite his resolve, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Khushi, knowing that he had wronged her.  Sure, they weren’t in an official relationship but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t belittled his feelings for her by sleeping with another woman.

So as they sat around in the living room, with him holding his birthday gifts, he avoided a direct conversation with Khushi or looking at her as much as he could manage.  He opened the birthday gifts one by one, trying to look excited and cheerful for the sake of others until he picked up the small box which was a gift from Khushi.

His heart thudded loudly in his ears as he opened it to find a black and grey striped tie by Armani.  Her addition of the note said ‘just to make you look a bit more sophisticated.’

In that moment he decided, on an impulse, that this tie would be reserved strictly for very important days.  It would be his way of having Khushi with him through important deals and occasions. 

He was aware that she was watching him closely and that he could no longer avoid her presence.  So he smiled at her and gave her a quick hug, trying to touch her as little as possible. 

It felt wrong to touch her with the same hands that had probably touched Shanaya intimately.  He felt as if he was touching something spotless with dirtied hands.  He had never regretted his drinking habits before this moment.

Once he pulled away from her, he went back into his shell while the others around him remained oblivious to his inner thoughts and struggles.  All others except Khushi.  He could feel her watching him and he knew that she sensed something amiss.  He was afraid that she would question him and he would have to lie to her…again.

It was that fear that had kept him away from the penthouse for the next three weeks.  He had masterfully avoided running into the others, especially Khushi.  He left before there were signs that the other occupants of the house were awake and he usually returned late at night.  Sometimes, he even spent the night driving around the city, coming home only to shower and change in the wee hours of the morning.  The three weeks had become a blur where he no longer remembered what day of the week it was.  He was functioning mechanically, his mind usually closed off from the world and lost in its own unpleasant thoughts.

The only silver lining during these weeks had been the fact that Shanaya was being herself.  She hadn’t been sad or upset for a few days and that’s when Arnav found the perfect opportunity to tell her what was going on.

“Look Shanaya…don’t get me wrong but…I can’t offer you anything more than friendship…I’m just not looking for a relationship right now…”  He’d approached the topic cautiously lest she react badly.

Shanaya looked at him for a long moment.  “But Arnav…after…after that night…”

Arnav winced at the unwelcome reminder.  “I know Shanaya but…we…we were both drunk…I don’t want to turn that into anything…and trust me…I’m saying this for your sake as much as mine.”  He held her gaze confidently, watching keenly for any odd reactions.  “I saw what our last break up did to you and I don’t want a repeat of that…you don’t deserve that…you deserve someone better than me…we can be good friends but just…just don’t expect anything more from me at this point…”

Shanaya nodded vigorously.  “Okay….Okay.   I get it.  You just need more time…that’s okay, baby…you can take as much time as you want…until then, we’ll just be friends…”

He was surprised that she had accepted all of that so gracefully, without a tantrum.  She hadn’t exactly agreed to what he was saying but it was close enough and ‘close enough’ was good enough for Arnav at that point.  She had given him a friendly hug and that was the end of the conversation. 

Having gotten that off his chest, the next three days were relatively peaceful for Arnav.  In his solitude, the regret and pain still overpowered him but when he had company, usually Shanaya and Sheetal these days, he’d found it easier to distract himself.  He was on friendly terms with Shanaya and she hadn’t made any unwanted advances.  He was even getting along with Sheetal. 

He was still unsure whether he could face Khushi again and so he had continued to avoid the penthouse.

Anjali and Akash had started questioning him lately, of course, but he had brushed aside their queries quickly, usually using his anger as a shield to prevent further questions.   That shield of his was rendered useless on the fateful day that Khushi came up to him unexpectedly.

“Arnav...I need to talk to you.”  Khushi said loud and clear in a no-nonsense tone.

Arnav looked at her briefly and registered the urgency in her posture.  The need to make sure that she was okay surpassed his own demons for a moment.

“What’s the matter??  Tum theek ho?”  For the first time in weeks, he sounded like himself, even to himself.

Khushi frowned at him.  “I’m fine...there’s something I wanted to tell you.”

Arnav swallowed at the look of determination on her face.  If this conversation was about what he’d been waiting to hear, he didn’t know if he was ready for that.  The conversation he had once looked forward to, been excited about even, had turned into a conversation he was dreading all because of a drunken night.

Thankfully, before she could utter another word, his phone rang.  He looked at the screen for a quick second and answered the call.  Never before had he been glad for a call from Shanaya.  She was waiting downstairs in the lobby and he wanted to go and meet her before she came face-to-face with Khushi or anyone else.

“Hey...I’m just leaving.  I’ll be there soon.”  And he hung up.  “Let’s talk later, Khush...”

“There is never a ‘later’ Arnav!!”  Khushi threw her hands in the air, exasperated. 

Arnav looked away and ran his hand through his hair.  He knew how true those words were and what hurt more was the fact that he’d put in the effort to ensure that there isn’t a ‘later’. 

With authority, Khushi walked up to him and held him by the shoulders.

“Tell me what’s bothering you, Arnav.  What is it??”  She let go of his shoulders to cup his face and make him look at her.  “Look at me when I’m talking to you.  I’ve had enough of your behaviour.  Just tell me what’s going on!!  I hate seeing you like this.”

In that moment, there was nothing he wanted to do more than to tell her what was going on.  He wanted to tell her that Shanaya had suddenly become suicidal and that he was spending most of his time with her to make sure that the woman didn’t kill herself!  But this was his battle.  Shanaya and her issues had come forth because of him and it wasn’t fair to Khushi for her to have to deal with this crap.

If he hadn’t been an idiot and tried to play a stupid jealousy game, he would have never ended up dating Shanaya.  That would have changed the course of his life entirely and he wouldn’t be in this shit right now.  His moronic decisions had landed him here and he wasn’t about to drag Khushi into it.

“There’s nothing, Khush.”  His voice held no emotion.  “I told you...a friend of mine is going through a bad break up.”

Khushi scoffed and let go of him.  “Please.  Enough with the lying.  It’s been three weeks and a half!  I’ve been trying to tell you something important all these days and you’re busy avoiding everyone, especially me.  You’ve missed three Thursdays, Arnav...four if you include today!  You missed my birthday for the first time in all these years...don’t tell me that it’s just some friend who needs you because of a bad break up...”

“Your birthday?”  Arnav blinked.  Surely, he would have remembered Khushi’s birthday.  Wouldn’t he?  Yes, he was stressed but he couldn’t have been to that extent.  Could he?

“It was four days ago, Arnav.”  Khushi crossed her arms across her chest.  Instinctively, Arnav opened his mouth to apologize but she shook her head.  “No.  Save it.  I don’t want another lie for an explanation.”

An odd chill swept over him as another point drove home.  In all his stress and guilt, he’d become selfish.  It had been about getting away from her because he couldn’t look her in the eye.  It was about his guilt, his regret, his misery.  Not once did he stop to think that all of this would lead to her getting hurt.  He looked at Khushi painfully and attempted once again.  “I’m so so Sorry Khush...”

“It's not a big deal.  I don’t care that you missed my birthday...not all that much, anyway but the fact that you’ve been lying is a big deal for me.  We’re supposed to be best friends...we’re supposed to tell each other what’s bugging us...”  Khushi’s voice was hoarse.

The truth of her words pierced through him like ice shards.  He couldn’t deny a single word of what she’d just said but surely she’d understand if he told her something rather than keeping mum. 

“Khushi!”  Arnav said frustratedly.  “I told you...I’m helping a friend with a bad break up.”

Arnav’s phone rang again.  It was Shanaya.  This time, he was not glad for the interruption. 

“Fuck!”  He clenched his jaw once before answering the call.  “I’ll be there!  I’m leaving.” 

He slammed the phone down on the table and turned to face Khushi.  He reached up with exaggerated slowness and held her by the shoulders in a way as if he would get burned.  The very contact with her skin doubled his remorse.

 “We’ll talk later, Khush...”  He pleaded.

“I need to talk to you now, Arnav...it’s really important!”  She sounded extremely annoyed and hurt.

Arnav clenched and unclenched his jaw.  “I’m sorry...I really have to be somewhere...”

And with that, he turned on his heels and walked out of the penthouse.  When he saw the elevator waiting, he ran to it before he missed it and slammed the button for the lobby floor.  He leaned back against the cool wall of the small elevator and closed his eyes as he tried to gather himself before facing Shanaya.

He found her sitting on one of the couches in the lobby, waiting for him.  Her face lit up when she saw him and she rushed forward to greet him. 

“Arnav…I’m sorry I’ve been bugging you with my phone calls but I have to talk to you about something….”  She smiled at him.

Arnav nodded.  “Sure…do you want to go to your favourite ice cream parlour again?”

Shanaya grinned and nodded.  “You’re the best, you know.”

Arnav gave her a tight smile and reluctantly hugged her back when she snaked her arms around him.  She hugged him for longer than he liked but he was still walking on eggshells around her and so he let her be.  Until he felt someone poke his shoulder.

He pulled out of the hug and looked over his shoulder only to get startled.  Khushi.  She looked absolutely enraged at this point and he knew his lie was out in the open. Without a word, Khushi held up his phone for him.  His hand reached up, robotically, to fetch it.  As soon as the instrument was out of her hand, Khushi turned on her heels to walk away. 

“Khushi, wait.”  Arnav requested, hoping she would stop but Khushi kept walking towards the elevator.  “Khushi!  Wait!  I can explain.”

Leaving Shanaya standing there, he tried to follow Khushi but she ran into the elevator.  He picked up his pace but by the time he reached the door, it had shut in his face. 

It was too late. 

The ping sound that he heard behind him was a relief to him.  His mind reeled and his body fidgeted as he pressed the button to the penthouse multiple times, hoping that the damned elevator would move faster.  He had to talk to Khushi and it had to be now.  He would tell her the entire story from the beginning.  He knew she would understand.  She had to!  He would ask her not to worry herself about it…that he would deal with this on his own.  She would understand…wouldn’t she?

The elevator doors opened and he stepped out to see her standing in front of the door to the penthouse.

“Khushi!”  His voice boomed in the hallway followed by the sound of his footsteps as he ran towards her.

Khushi didn’t even as much as look at him before she opened the door and walked into the penthouse. 

“Khushi, I can explain.”  He said walking into the penthouse, making Khushi stop in her tracks.

“YOU LIED!”  She rounded on him, angrier than he had ever seen her.  “YOU LIED TO ME!  OVER AND OVER AGAIN!”

“I know...and I’m sorry...”  Arnav started but Khushi cut him off.

“No you’re not.  You wouldn’t have lied to me repeatedly if you were sorry.  You know very well that I hate being lied to.  And you’ve been lying to me about this for almost a month.  It all started the day of my last exam, didn’t it?”

Arnav took a breath and began answering her question.  “Khush...”

“No.  Save your lies for someone else.  How am I supposed to believe anything you say anymore??  It hurts the most when the person you’re closest to lies to you, Arnav.  I asked you to tell me what was going on...I’ve seen you date a lot of women Arnav...I’m sure I would have survived the news of you getting back together with Shanaya.”  Tears rolled down her cheeks

As her words clicked in his brain, Arnav blinked as if he’d been slapped awake.  Well, hell.  There it was.  He’d done the most stupid things, made the most idiotic decisions to see this.  The tone, the expression…the jealousy.

 It was crystal clear on her face right now.  Her anger made more sense now.  It wasn’t there simply because he’d lied to her but it was there because he’d lied to her about Shanaya.  She was more hurt because he’d put another woman before her.  Khushi Kumari Gupta was, at last albeit too late, jealous of a woman that Arnav dated.

“Shanaya and I haven’t gotten back together.”  He said calmly.

Khushi raised an eyebrow and titled her head to the side, challengingly.  “Even more of a reason to not lie to me...why would you have to lie to me if she was a friend?  Maybe you lied to me because it’s the first time you’ve gotten back with an ex-girlfriend.”

“Me and her are not together...”  Arnav began.

“Actually...”  Shanaya’s voice made them realize that she was an audience to their argument.  “Arnav...I wanted to talk to you about that...”

“Not now Shanaya.”  He cut her off abruptly.

“It has to be now Arnav...I don’t want you to say something that might become false later...”  She looked between Khushi and Arnav.

“Get to the damn point, Shanaya.  My friend and I are trying to settle something here and your nonsense isn’t helping.”  Khushi bit out.

Arnav flinched at the word ‘Friend’.  She’d removed the ‘best’ from the tag, obviously, but why did it sound sarcastic? 

“Arnav...this is why I wanted to see you today...I think we should consider getting back together.”  Shanaya held his arm.

“Shanaya!”  Arnav rubbed his face with his hands frustratedly.  “I thought I’d made myself clear...”

“You did...and I understood...but...I...I’m pregnant.”  She announced.

Arnav stilled, stunned to the core as he looked at Shanaya steadily.  This couldn’t be happening.  Was this nature’s way of punishing him for sleeping with someone else while he was clearly in love with Khushi?  Sure they were drunk and hadn’t used protection but could that one-off really result in a pregnancy?  Why?  Why now? 

Why now when he’d finally seen the one emotion he’d longed to see on Khushi’s face??

“A-Arnav?”  Khushi stuttered. 

He turned to look at her robotically.  Khushi took one step closer.

“Is there any possibility that what she’s saying is true?”  Khushi’s voice was almost pleading with him to deny the announcement.

He took a few seconds to register what she was asking.  He had slept with Shanaya.  He hadn’t used protection nor had she.  There was a very good possibility that what she’s saying is true.

He looked away from Khushi, knowing well that she would get her answer in that gesture.  He knew when she registered it because from the corner of his eyes, he saw her stagger a step back.  Then another.  Then another.

“It seems that there are more important things you have to deal with at the moment.  This argument is useless.”  Her voice was stone cold.

Arnav looked at her and felt his heart break within his chest.  Because he had broken hers.  It was written all over her face.  The tears in her eyes were testament to her pain.  The shattered expression was a projection of the state of her heart. 

Arnav Singh Raizada had managed to figure out that Khushi harbored some kind of feelings for him and break her heart…all within a matter of minutes.

He felt his eyes fill up with tears.  All he could do was stand there and watch as Khushi turned on her heels and rushed into her room.

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