Clearly, he'd read through it. He knew what was written in there. He knew all her thoughts, her frustrations, her feelings. He'd known all along.
Is that why he ignored my emails? Because he didn't want me to know that he knew? Was he wishing that I didn't have these feelings for him?
Absent mindedly, Khushi reached out with a trembling hand until her fingers closed around the top edge of the diary. Arnav didn't resist and let her slide the diary, his most treasured possession of three years, out of his hands.
Her eyes were still wide and trained on the small book as she opened it delicately, as if the pages would fall apart if she wasn't gentle. She thumbed through the book and avoided eye contact with him. Her knuckles turned white in protest when she clutched the diary tightly and closed her eyes. A tear finally rolled onto her cheek and she didn't bother to wipe it away when she opened her eyes.
She knew he would have questions, perhaps even accusations, and she knew she couldn't avoid them for too long. She knew she was cornered.
All this time, she'd been smug about how well she had concealed her feelings for him but clearly that was not the case. He had a very detailed insight into her mind and heart, into every emotion she had felt through that horrendous year. Her heartfelt confessions and rants that even Anjali and Payal weren't privy to...he knew them.
She could feel his eyes on her, watching every emotion that flicked across her face. She felt as if she was under a microscope, under keen observation and she didn't like it. She wanted to turn around, clutch that diary to her chest, and run out of this room...away from him. She felt utterly vulnerable and she hated that.
Her heart which was already pounding too hard and too loud beat even fasted when he let out a long sigh.
"Look at me Khush..." he pleaded desperately. "And please...Don't cry."
Khushi's throat constricted. It would never cease to surprise her how much she hated sadness in his voice...even now. She looked up at him with exaggerated slowness even as the tears continued to brim her eyes, threatening to spill over and display her vulnerability to him.
She found herself surprised when she saw that the same vulnerability was mirrored in his eyes. Their eyes met and held each other for a couple of seconds before Arnav closed the distance and encased her in his arms.
She didn't protest. His embrace always provided warmth, safety, and solace. Right now, she wasn't going to deny herself any of that. She didn't realize when the tears started flowing uncontrollably and when she started sobbing softly against his chest.
He squeezed her closer possessively, as if she was the world's most precious person...which, to him, she was.
"I wish you hadn't read it." Khushi confessed, her tone almost accusing.
She tried to pull away from the embrace but he didn't relent. "I would apologize for reading your personal diary but I don't regret it in the slightest...nor am I truly sorry that I read it...and I admit to reading it multiple times."
He pulled away her cupped her face, tilting her head so that she would look at him. His thumbs caressed her cheeks and he waited for her to meet his eyes. When she finally opened her eyes and looked at him, it took everything he had to not close the gap and touch his lips to hers; erasing all the misunderstandings, letting the kiss tell her what he hadn't been able to say in words. But there were other matters on hand right now.
"Why didn't you tell me Khush?" He questioned with a trembling voice, wistfulness dripping from his tone.
The question snapped the bind on Khushi's frustration and anger at last. She jerked his hands off of her face and fixed him with a glare, taking him by surprised.
"When was I supposed to tell you, Arnav?" She bellowed. "When you were busy dating every woman on campus? When I was accidentally walking in on you making out with them? When you were busy ignoring me for Shanaya?" Khushi saw him flinch at the name but she went on anyway. "Maybe the perfect time to tell you was when I'd learnt that you were going to be the father of Shanaya's baby!"
"Enough!" Arnav snapped. "Shanaya was a liar...she lied about all of it! She was lying!"
"I didn't believe Shanaya, Arnav." Khushi spoke calmly, a tinge of desperation to her tone. "I asked you if what she was saying was true...do you remember the response you gave me then?"
Arnav opened his mouth to retort at once but closed it the next second because truth be told...he didn't remember. That day was still a blur to him. He'd tried his best to keep that day out of his mind because it brought too much pain and anger.
"You had looked away guiltily...without a single word...can you blame me for taking your silence as a confirmation of whatever she was saying? I didn't have a reason to believe otherwise..." Khushi glared at him. "And why are you even asking me why I never told you? If you've read through this," Khushi waved the diary in front of his face, "then you know exactly why I didn't tell you!"
Khushi tossed the diary onto his bed angrily and pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingertips. She turned away from him and started pacing in an attempt to cool down. He watched her, disdainfully, while her words echoed in his head. Every accusation, except for the ones where Shanaya's lies were concerned, he accepted gracefully.
He knew he owed her an apology but there wasn't a word or a sentence significant to convey his regrets.
"I'm sorry." His apology was heartfelt. His voice cracked and sounded desperate even to his own ears.
Khushi stopped pacing and took a couple of breaths before turning to face him. Her expression broke his heart. She looked sad, heartbroken, and utterly hopeless all at the same time.
"It's unfortunate that your apology can't change the past." Without giving him a chance to speak, Khushi turned on her heels and left the room.
_____
Khushi gave in to the grief in the confinement of her room. She lay curled up into a fetal position on the bed as the tears silently escaped her eyes. The conversation with Arnav a few minutes ago was equivalent of scratching open freshly healed wounds.
She had spent years hiding this one thing from him. She had gone to lengths to make sure he never found out. Sure, at one point, she wanted to tell him but then Shanaya happened. When she had left for Australia, she had vowed to never bring this up to him again. Little did she know that he would have an insight to her deepest, most intimate thoughts?
A mix of frustration, heartbreak, embarrassment, and even happiness made her restless and kept slumber afar. In those sleepless hours, she decided that she wasn't going to tell him that she still felt the same way for him. The need to save herself from another heartbreak won over the need to tell him how she still felt. One way to ensure that she didn't end up dropping even a hint was to avoid him.
And avoid him she would as much as she could manage in the next week that she was still here. After that, she would go live with her Amman, Buaji, and Payal. She won't be under the same roof as Arnav and life will go back to how it was a couple weeks ago.
Eventually...the pain will go away...the heartbreak will heal...As long as I stay away from him...
____
After having spent a sleepless night, Arnav didn't wake up until well into the afternoon the following day. By the time he got ready and headed downstairs, all the women were already in the grand hall. Deciding that he needed to clear his mind, and keep from going into that room and pulling away a certain stubborn, beautiful doctor for a chat, he retired to his bedroom to get ready and head off to the gym for an hour or so.
During the entire workout, Arnav exerted more force than necessary, letting out the frustrations of years. The exercise added to his determination and he kept telling himself that once everything was out in the open, things would smooth out between them. His mind was swarmed with images of Khushi-- smiling, laughing, worrying, and crying. He couldn't afford to be pessimistic...he couldn't afford to give him...he's been stupid enough to do that once...not anymore.
Her face was still swimming in his thoughts when he made his way back to the living room. He found his father, Akash, NK, Rohan, Rohan's father, and Aman seated there with crystal glasses of drinks in their hands. Greeting them all, he took a seat out of politeness when all he wanted to do was go find Khushi.
"Come join us abandoned men..." Rohan waved towards all of them collectively. "The girls have forbidden us from going into the grand hall."
Rohan's sulky mood reflected in his words as well as in the grumpy expression on his face.
"Get used to it Rohan...they'll be kicking us out for a lot of their ceremonies." Rajesh, Rohan's father, shook his head.
"But why?! It's the 21st century for God's sakes!" Rohan groaned in frustration.
"Would you relax?" Akash frowned disapprovingly. "You're getting married to her in two days...after that you'll have her around all the time."
"Akash Bituwa...you'll understand when you're getting married." Garima, Khushi's mother, walked in holding a tray of snacks for them.
Madhumati, Manorama, and Rukmani followed with more trays in their hands. The ladies took their seats and Akash looked at them with a raised eyebrow.
"Why aren't you guys in there?"
"Hello hi bye bye Akash bituwa...they're all young girls...what would we do there? Besides, we were preparing for the haldi ceremony tomorrow." Manorama fixed her French roll as she spoke.
"we were there for a bit to give her our wishes and blessings...now they're just being girls...we'll go back in when they actually start the designs...right now they're just singing wedding songs and having fun." Madhumati smiled.
"Well...I'm glad that you ladies are here..." Arvind straightened up in his seat. "Mahendra...Manorama Bhabhi...I don't think we'll get a better time to speak to Madhumati ji."
Madhumati, Khushi's buaji and Payal's mother, looked up curiously. "Hai re nandkishore...what happened? Did Sanka Devi do something? Did Payalia do something? I'm sure Khushi has played a prank...that parmeshwari will never change..."
If everyone hadn't been so busy chuckling, they would have noticed the look of admiration on Arnav's face as the world spoke about Khushi.
Arvind looked at Mahendra and Manorama questioningly. Mahendra nodded enthusiastically while Manorama smiled in approval.
"Madhumati Ji...I won't beat around the bush...We have known Payal for a long time...she is beautiful, educated, and very sweet...have you thought about marrying her soon?"
Madhumati smiled. "Hai re nandkishore...I've been telling her for a year now...but she just keeps refusing...if you have a nice man in mind, I will speak to her again."
"I do...in fact, as the elder of this family; I would like to ask for Payal's hand in Marriage for my nephew, Akash." Arvind declared confidently.
Akash clenched his jaw tightly in order to keep from grinning foolishly. Madhumati and Garima exchanged a surprised look before turning back to Arvind.
"Bhai Sahab...this..." Madhumati was elated at the fact that such a suitable proposal had been made for her daughter but she wasn't unaware of the status difference between the families.
Payal earned a hefty income working for the AR fashion group but it was still nothing compared to the millions that the Raizada's made on a yearly basis.
"Hello Hi bye bye...trust me Madhumati...this wasn't sudden at all...Bhai Sahab had suggested this on Anjali's engagement day...we've discussed it before proposing." Manorama rested a hand on Madhumati's.
Rukmani looked at Arvind. Hadn't he said that Manorama had her heart set on Khushi? She was just about to confront him about it when NK sneezed. As her eyes rested on NK, she hypothesized that since Khushi was already engaged to NK, the Raizada's had proposed for Payal's hand in marriage instead.
"Akash bituwa..." Madhumati looked at him unsurely.
Akash smiled shyly without an ounce of pretence. Mahendra and Arvind looked at him as well and shook their heads at his antics. Mahendra was more up to date with the current generations unlike his wife. Arvind had confided in Mahendra regarding Akash and Payal's relationship. Mahendra had gleefully agreed to help Arvind in making this seem like an arranged marriage for the sake of manorama's old fashioned ways. If there was something common between the two brothers, it was that...they'd do anything to ensure their children's happiness.
"Take your time Madhumati ji...you and Garima ji can discuss it with Payal and Khushi as well...get their input and then give us an answer...there's no hurry." Mahendra smiled politely at the women.
"And aunty, I promise that Akash will take very good care of Payal...Payal is practically family..." Arnav clapped his cousin's back enthusiastically. "We've all lived in the same house together...we know each other's likes and dislikes...Payal and Akash get along well...they work well together too...I think it will be very easy for them to transition from friendship to being husband and wife."
The ladies smile at him gratefully for the explanation. It wasn't anything that they didn't know but the fact that Arnav, the raging-almost-introverted-shrewd-businessman, was giving them an assurance was heart-warming.
"If you don't mind me asking..." Rukmani interrupted. "Mr. Raizada...why didn't you consider this proposal for Arnav? I mean...he is the older one...shouldn't he get married before Akash?"
Rakesh threw a warning glare in his wife's direction. He knew that Rukmani had been slightly annoyed ever since Arvind had turned down her hopes for Khushi and Aman's alliance. Akash and Arnav shared a startled look which soon turned to one of amusement. If Arnav knew the secret about Payal and Akash, then Akash knew the secret about him and Khushi. So did Arvind, however, he only smiled at her politely in response.
"Arnav won't ever agree for an arranged marriage Mrs. Oberoi...and if my son doesn't want to go down that road, I won't force him there. And as far as getting married first goes...Mahendra got married before I was and I'm the older one...that doesn't matter to me...One should get married only when they're ready to do so. If my son wants to marry at 40 then that's how it shall be...that doesn't mean that Akash can't get married now if he's ready for it."
Arnav, for unknown reason, looked at Garima while his father spoke and he didn't miss the sadness that entered her eyes at his father's explanation. If he had any doubts before this, they were cleared now. Khushi had gotten engaged to NK for the sake of her mother's wishes. What else could explain the guilt on Garima's face? And then it struck Arnav...
Does Aunty know...?
"Aunty!!" Lavanya yelled from the hallway that led to the great hall. "We're starting the designs!"
Khushi followed Lavanya out and the two disappeared as soon as they'd showed up. All the elder ladies that were accompanying the gentlemen also followed Khushi and Lavanya.
For a few seconds, Arnav's mind was filled with images of Khushi, wrapped delicately in a dark green saree. Her nervous glance and stance hadn't been lost on him. He sighed internally. They may have taken a step towards bridging the gap, but there was a long way to go.
A couple minutes later, the group of giggling and chatting women walked back towards the hall. Lavanya turned gracefully, balancing a platter of flowers on one of her hands.
"Since we're nice ladies and since we feel absolutely horrible for you guys...you're welcome to come in too." Grinning, she turned around and disappeared.
Akash and Rohan jumped up at the opportunity and rushed towards the hall.
"What the!" NK and Arnav voiced at once before exchanging a grin.
"Don't worry fellas...you'll understand when it's your time." Mahendra and Rakesh guffawed while Arvind just casted a gentle smile in their direction.
Looking sheepish, Arnav and NK followed the rest of them. Since the moment he stepped into that hall, Arnav tried his best to rein his urges. He was finding it more and more difficult to draw his eyes away from her...but her obvious attempt at ignoring him made him bristle.
The ceremony was not the place where they could have a repeat of the scene from last night. Khushi would definitely not be impressed with that. He decided to catch her alone later.
Anjali sat on a traditional stool with her hands held out in front of her while two ladies flanked her, holding henna cones in their hands, working intricate designs onto the bride's hands. Khushi, Payal, and Lavanya settled the various platters around them and then took their seats to get their henna designs done while the elder ladies sat in a circle nearby, singing some traditional mehendi ceremony songs.
Arnav couldn't understand why Akash and Rohan were dying to be in this hall for this ceremony but then he saw both Payal and Anjali blushing profusely and found Rohan and Akash making gestures, winking, and sending flying kisses. Immediately, his eyes turned to NK to see if he was making any similar gestures but Arnav found NK seated with the old ladies, with his handy cam focused on the singing group.
Just as Arnav was scanning the crowd, he caught Lavanya's grinning face while her eyes stared him down. He raised an eyebrow questioningly and she winked in response, making Arnav frown in confusion.
What the hell is she up to now?
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