For the past hour and a half, she had been up here, dancing away her stress. She had been given so much information within the span of a couple of days, she didn't know what to do with it all. As a means to distract herself, she had come up here, plugged her headphones into the iPod and danced away until her lungs and legs gave up.
Knowing that she had to go downstairs, because the others should be back by now, she pulled herself into a sitting position and adjusted her hair and clothing. She wrapped the headphone wire around her ipod as she made her way off the terrace and down the stairs. She had just set her foot on the second floor landing when his voice boomed angrily in the living room below.
"I don't care! Just find her! Call me as soon as you get a hold of her." He paced back and forth even as he hung up and began dialing another number.
Confusion and worry stole Khushi's attention and she found herself rushing down the elegant staircase leading to the living room.
Something had gone wrong. Arnav was clearly worried out of his mind.
Find her...her? who? Payal? Anjali?! Were Amma and Buaji okay?
"Everything okay?" she rushed towards him.
He whirled around in a fast movement and his worry filled eyes settled on her. A half-groan, half-sigh escaped him and a look of pure relief washed over his features and stance upon hearing her voice and seeing her in flesh, standing in front of him. He covered the remaining distance between the two of them in two long strides and immediately gathered her in a bone-breaking hug.
"where the fuck were you?!" he hissed. "I've been so worried! Where the hell did you go?!"
Khushi frowned in confusion. "I was on the terrace."
Arnav pulled away and glared at her. "Couldn't you tell someone where you were going?! Do you know how worried I've been? I came home and I couldn't find you and I've gone absolutely insane in the past half hour because the others can't find you either! I was just about to call the police! And you idiotic..." His words trailed off mid-sentence as he finally took in her appearance. "Have you been crying?"
Khushi's defenses raised up within seconds because he was right. She had danced and cried, cried and danced until she was spent. But of course she wasn't going to tell him that. "Its none of your business."
Arnav tightened his grip on her shoulders, a tinge of anger visible in his eyes. "Everything to do with you is my business, Khushi. You know that. It has always been like that."
"Not always." Khushi countered.
"yes it has. Always." Arnav pulled her closer until their faces were inches away. "I've told you already. It was always you...its always been you...and it will always be only you. Why is that so hard for you to grasp?!"
"because its crap, that's why!" Khushi pushed him away. "this is a game to you isn't it? You only want me because I'm taken! You didn't look at me once when I was single!"
Even as she said the words, she heard the childish stubbornness behind them. Arnav had already explained his behavior, Arvind had also added in his two cents...but this was her heart's method at ensuring its own safety. This was her heart's last feeble attempt...the last weak attempt before succumbing to the truth. Even if it meant hurling the ugly facts in his face.
But she should have known that he wouldn't take it quietly. That he would put up a fight twice as hard to make sure he didn't lose her again...
"I didn't look at you?! Why the hell do you think I chased down and scared away any man you went on a date with?! Why the hell do you think I tried to spend every moment that I could with you?" he pinched the bridge of his nose to rein in his temper before he walked up to her and gently cupped her face. "Khush, I need you to acknowledge that I love you and I need you to trust me when I say that I haven't spent a single day without thinking of you, worrying for you, missing you, or loving you."
Khushi scoffed. "That's saying a lot coming from a man who ignored me for the past three years..."
Arnav's anger flared dangerously and his hands dropped to his sides, clenching into fists. "Enough! I will not stand here and listen to you...or anyone else accuse me of that. Yes, I didn't come chasing you to wherever you had run off to...and believe me, it took everything I had in my power to give you these years to yourself...to grow and heal from the pain that I caused you. I love you and if you think that it was easy for me to stay away then you need to think again. And don't you dare! Don't you dare say that I ignored you when you're the one who never responded to any of my emails."
"ME?!" Khushi pointed an index finger at the centre of her chest, her temper firing at the accusation. "I ignored you? Really?? I can't believe you're pinning this on me just to clear yourself of the blame."
"Tell me one email that you replied to." Arnav crossed his arms.
"How the fuck was I supposed to reply to an email that I never got?!" Khushi threw up her hands in frustration.
Arnav closed his eyes in frustration and took a deep breath to calm himself. "I don't want to start this blame game I""
"Then don't!" Khushi flared. "Don't start the game. You didn't want to speak to me for all these years and you didn't bother to get in touch...I've accepted that...so please...just admit it. you don't have to lie. Do you know what it did it to me to sit there and wait for a response from you?"
"You don't think I know what that's like?!" Arnav grabbed her shoulders and pulled her closer harshly, his anger getting the better of him. "Do you think I didn't wait around for your emails? Do you think I don't know what it feels like?!"
"No you don't!" Khushi pushed his arms off, fuming. "You don't know what it's like...You don't know what repeated heartbreak feels like! I'd left heartbroken but I felt my heart break all over again when I didn't see a reply to my emails! And here you are...trying to blame me for all of this, using lies to cover you own fault!"
"he's not lying."
Both Arnav and Khushi turned to look at the company they didn't know they had. There stood the remaining four friends of theirs, two looking confused and somewhat wary while the other two looked...guilty?
"What?" Khushi frowned.
Anjali, who was holding payal's hand, squeezed it tighter as if trying to draw strength from her. "He...He's not lying..." Anjali turned her gaze to Arnav. "And she's not lying either..."
Arnav and Khushi exchanged a quick confused glance before turning to Anjali and Payal. "What the hell are you saying?"
The anger simmering in his voice made Anjali shiver with fear. Payal could already feel her throat choking up as she saw where this was leading. Hell was about to break loose.
Akash and Rohan shuffled on their feet nervously.
Anjali knew she had to do this. Only now she had realized what her meddling had done to them. He loved her and she loved him and they'd been pushed away because they'd decided to interfere. She couldn't even begin to imagine how upset Arnav and Khushi would be when they found out.
Payal had come to the same conclusion and jumped to get some damage control started. This whole thing was her idea and it was only fair that she offers the explanation.
"Khushi...he's been emailing you in the past three years." Payal nodded towards Arnav.
Khushi opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. She turned her questioning gaze to Arnav.
"but...it..it's not possible..." she muttered, trying to recall a single email that had dropped in her inbox from him. She recalled none.
"Payal just told you that it is possible..." Arnav sighed. "Now that we have cleared who was ignoring who"" Arnav began his argument but his sister cut him off.
"She wasn't ignoring you either...I'm sure she had been emailing you." Anjali bit her lower lip, trying to control the tears which were burning behind her eyes.
"What are you two going on about?" Rohan muttered under his breath, praying to the almighty that these two women hadn't done anything to make matters worse for Arnav and Khushi.
"Neither of you ignored the other...it was us..." Payal took a step forward and Anjali followed.
Rohan felt his heart sink at Payal's confession. Akash froze and paled next to him as he watched the scene unfold in front of him.
Khushi looked at them confusedly, trying to make sense of these random bits of information.
"Speak clearly dammit...I don't have patience for riddles right now!" Arnav roared.
Payal flinched at his tone while Rohan cringed. Akash's mind was busy piecing everything together and so far, he wasn't liking the direction in which his hypothesis was leading.
"Payal and I made sure you two didn't get each other's emails!" Anjali said in one breath.
Arnav felt rather than saw Khushi go stiff at the words. His own fists clenched tight as the anger doubled in size...eventhough it didin't make much sense. How had they ensured that? And why?
"we...we created hidden folders and redirected your emails to it...its password protected..." The guilt was evident in Payal's voice when she spoke but neither Khushi nor Arnav paid attention that.
Payal's guilt was miniscule compared to the feeling of betrayal that was building within the hearts of the long-separated couple.
"You did...what?" Khushi stared at her cousin, feeling utterly betrayed.
"I'm so sorry Khushi...I...I didn't think it would be as bad...I mean...we still spoke on the phone sometimes but you never asked for him and he never asked to speak to you and we figured that we hadn't done anything wrong with the emails.." Payal tried to explain her stand.
"We saw what it was doing to you...seeing him with all those girls and then Shanaya..." Anjali clamped her mouth shut when she saw Arnav's hand twitch at the mere mention of that woman's name.
"When you were busy packing and he was busy with...issues, we took advantage of the fact that you two never logged off of your computers...we created the folders and set it up so that all of Arnav's emails automatically drop in that folder...and as an added measure, we did the same with his inbox." Anjali looked at her toes, unable to meet the angry and hurt glares of the victims of her stupid deed.
"I'm sorry..." Payal whispered.
"I'm sorry, too..." Anjali echoed the sentence as if a simple apology would fix all the damage they'd caused.
Arnav and Khushi's anger increased in synch but he lost his control sooner...much sooner. He moved quickly, charging towards Anjali and seeing his arm move as if intending to cause physical harm, Khushi moved quickly too. At the same time, Rohan moved towards his newly wedded wife, feeling the need to protect her...even if from her own brother! The man looked like he was going slap her, for heaven's sakes!
"No Arnav!" Khushi spoke sternly, stepping in between him and Anjali. She held his arm, reminding him to keep himself in check because no matter how angry he was, no matter what Anjali had done...it wasn't right for a man to hit a woman. Especially if the woman was your older sister and half your size.
Rohan stood between Khushi and Anjali, adding an extra shield in front of his wife while Anjali cowered behind him, watching her brother's angry expression frightfully over his shoulder.
His eyes spewed fire as he looked over Khushi's head directly at Payal and Anjali, his rage burning holes into their conscious. Khushi squeezed his right arm while her left hand caressed his left shoulder as she tried to calm him.
When he focused on Khushi, his eyes softened considerably, the angry fire replaced by pain, guilt, and helplessness. Her eyes reflected his emotions as the tears rushed in to blur her vision. His fist, which was raised halfway in the air loosened. Feeling the lump choking his voice and the tears prickling his eyes, he stared down at her, wanting to caress her cheeks but he couldn't move his arm for rage had paralyzed him.
"Chotey, I..." Anjali began in a shaky voice"She was crying.
The next second, fire returned in his eyes. He turned on his heels and stormed out of the living room before the fire could burn his surroundings to ashes. Khushi stood in her spot, with her back turned to everyone, her eyes closed as she tried to gather herself. With him gone, the situation felt suddenly worse. With him gone, there was no one here who truly understood what she was feeling.
She felt a light touch on her shoulder and she immediately jerked it off aggressively.
"DONT!"
"Khushi..." Payal began but Khushi didn't let her finish.
"just. Go." The command came through clenched teeth, her voice like icy shards.
"Please Khushi...at least you hear us out..." Anjali pleaded.
"JUST GO!!" Khushi roared, and her voice bounced off the walls. The lioness pranced out, more frightening than the Lion who had left the den.
Anger which is shown too often, like Arnav's, is easier to ignore, easier to deal with. But when a usually cheerful, calm, and warm individual is infuriated...their anger is lethal. Besides, heaven hath no fury than a woman scorned.
Khushi, at the moment, was the scorned woman. She felt utterly betrayed by the people she called her friends. They were the only two she had trusted enough to divulge her feelings for Arnav to and they had gone ahead and put more distance between her and the same man.
Payal and Anjali stood shocked on either side of her while she resolutely looked away from them.
Rohan and Akash exchanged a look of annoyance and without exchanging a single word, both knew that each one of them was equally annoyed with both the women.
"Khushi we only did that bec--" Payal bgean and flinched when Khushi whirled angrily towards her.
"I SAID JUST GO! JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE! LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!" Khushi's scream ended in a sob and she turned around to face them. "Go Away before I do something that I might regret later!"
Khushi turned away again but not before the agonized expression burned into Anjali and Payal's visions, increasing their guilt tenfolds.
Quietly, Rohan turned to Anjali and wrapped an arm around her shoulders while keeping his other arm on Payal's shoulders.
"leave her alone for now." His tone was clipped with a hint of barely hidden anger. His eyes flickered to Akash who stood, as expected, fuming in his spot.
He didn't even bother to glance towards Payal as he made his way around them towards Khushi. Stopping behind her, Akash looked at rohan and nudged his chin in the staircase's direction, signing him to take Anjali and Payal away. With a quick nod, Rohan followed and guided Anjali and Payal out of the room.
Akash placed a hand on Khushi's shoulder tentatively. "Khushi..."
"Please leave me alone Akash." Her choked, her voice thick with tears.
Not bothering to respond to her with words, Akash squeezed her shoulder and turned her around to face him. All it took was one empathetic glance, a look of understanding, and Khushi broke down into sobs. Too overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the past few days, Khushi could only find one outlet to express herself and that was through tears.
Akash wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a friendly hug, giving her a shoulder to cry on, even as his anger at his sister and his girlfriend increased steadily.
It took only a few minutes for her to recollect herself and pull away from the hug. Akash clenched his jaw to rein in his temper.
Who needs friends if this is what they do to you?!
"I will make sure they stay away until you're ready to talk to them." Akash spoke with resolution and he could see the surprise shining in her eyes.
"I'm sorry...you're probably going to hate me too but I know...I know what Bhai feels for you...I've been helping him figure out you equation with NK and other things but believe me...I had no idea about these emails..." Akash ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. "I didn't even know about this until bhai left abruptly after your engagement announcement...that kind of made it obvious...but I've known since then. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."
A small, sad smile appeared on her face even as the tears silently rolled down her cheeks. "it seems like everyone knows a lot more than I thought they did..."
"I'm sorry, Khushi...What can I do to help?" Akash asked eagerly.
"As much as I appreciate your support right now...I would really like to be alone for a bit." Khushi wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.
Akash's lips thinned but he nodded once anyway. "Give me a shout if you need anything...I can't speak for the others but I will always stand next to you and Bhai. Always."
I thought Anjali and Payal were there for me too... The unbidden thought brought another wave of sadness with it. Khushi suddenly felt like she had lost two friends forever. The trust between them was shattered and she knew that even if things worked out...there will always be cracks. She would never be able to trust them the same way again.
With slumped shoulders and a defeated stance, Khushi carried herself to the main door of the haveli while Akash fired off to Anjali's room where everyone else was. He needed to give a piece of his mind to his sister and his girlfriend!
_____
Khushi walked through the living room once again a couple hours later. Her eyes ached and prickled from all the crying. Her face was burning because she had been walking around in the storm-like forceful winds outside. The rainless storm outside was nothing compared to the storm within. She felt anger, sadness, loss, and guilt all at once and all four emotions warred for precedence. Between the four...guilt won.
Guilt for the things she had said to Arnav...guilt for the accusations she had hurled at him. Guilt for believing that her Arnav"her giant, her dinosaur"could ignore her so brutally for three years! How could she have thought that? Especially when she knew that Shanaya had lied about the pregnancy. Especially considering that he loved her!
Her steps automatically headed towards his bedroom and she didn't hesitate for a second before knocking on the door gently. She was sure he wouldn't open the door. Perhaps, she should have called him before showing up. She was sure he'd want to stay alone without anyone's company, jus like she did. Which is why, she was surprised when the door opened a few seconds later.
There was no anger on his face, but there was grief...and guilt...just like her. The way he looked at her, it was if he was expecting her to show up at his door. In a brief moment of clarity, she realized that was exactly the case. He'd known it was her at the door.
Her eyes wordlessly expressed her need to be with him at the moment and he wordlessly acknowledged while mirroring his own need for her proximity. Silently, he stepped aside to let her in and once she did, he closed the door gently behind him and followed her into the room.
She stood at the foot of the bed, twisting her fingers together while her eyes were fixated on the pictures of them on the wall. She wondered why she hadn't seen them before and then she realized that the last time she was in here, she wanted to run out the door. And then he had handed her the diary that he had kept for all these years. She had been too occupied to look at the dcor of the room.
He hadn't forgotten...nor had he tried to ignore... As her eyes continued to scan the pictures, the sadness overwhelmed her once again. Those were such happy days...they were all friends...everyone could trust everyone...such simpler times...
She broke out of her melancholic thoughts when she felt his hands on her shoulders. He gave her a reassuring squeeze and she hungrily absorbed all the assurances he provided silently. He turned her gently and made her take a seat. She closed her eyes to ready herself for a round of confrontations or questions eventhough she didn't want to say anything yet. She had just come here in the hope to seek support and provide the same support to him.
They were both at the worst receiving end of someone else's deeds and no one understood them better than they did at the moment and it was that fact that had led Khushi to his bedroom.
Not once had she stopped to consider what he would make of her visit. Now, in the privacy of his room, with him standing in front of her, she finally gave a thought to whether he would misinterpret this.
If only she knew that she didn't have to worry about any of that. He understood her reason for the visit because if she hadn't showed up at his door, he would have gone to her. He needed to make sure she was okay--okay being not too upset, given the circumstances. She had had a lot of information dumped on her all at once and he was worried that she would crumble under the weight. The blow they'd both received today would only add to her load.
Seeing her now, looking absolutely confused and saddened, he was glad that she had trusted him enough--despite everything he has put her through--to come to him. Knowing that she'd only come here for the company of someone who could sympathize with her, Arnav didn't bother to rake his mind to find something to say. Instead, he quietly took a seat next to her. Reaching over, he covered both her hands with one of his, putting an end to her merciless twisting of her own fingers.
Seconds stretched to minutes and neither said anything. Khushi sat there recalling every bit of information she had been given since she had set foot in India. From the changes in Arnav to his confessions of his intents and feelings--both of the past and present. from arvind's advice to Anjali and Payal's confession. By the time she had thought about the latest event once again, she was spent.
She looked down at her lap where his large warm hand covered her much smaller, trembling ones. His thumb ran back and forth soothingly across her knuckles. With a sudden break in the grey clouds, she recalled that the last time they'd sat together like this was when herBauji had passed away. He'd been there for her then too, just silently sitting next to her, his hand covering hers...his presence alone bringing her much needed peace in time of grief.
Thankfully, some things never change.
Just like she had done years ago, she slowly leaned her head onto his shoulder and closed her eyes. In an abnormal and dramatic situation, this felt serene and more importantly: Normal.
What they wouldn't give to go back in time and undo all their mistakes that led to the awkward present! If they hadn't hid their feelings from each other, others wouldn't have entered the picture. Sure, with Khushi's career plans, their relationship might have ended up in the long-distance mode for four years but that was still loads better than a foreboding silence on both ends for three long, dreadful years.
"I'm sorry." Khushi took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that I thought you could have ignored me for all these days...I should have known better."
"I ignored you for a few days before you left, Khushi...you had every right to believe that I ignored you. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to get in touch. I'm sorry that I didn't hound the others for your phone number. I just thought that you might be better off without me..." Arnav rested his head on top of hers and a smile tugged at his lips when she snuggled closer. "In the past few days, I've counted many things that I will regret in life...and every one of those things has pushed me further away from you."
"I still consider you my best friend, you know. No one gets that spot." Khushi whispered.
"I'm not sure if I deserve that spot anymore, though. A best friend is supposed to understand you...I couldn't even see how you felt about me...I was so caught up with my own stupid plans...I didn't see that I was actually hurting you...and its my fault that you didn't speak to me about how you felt...I didn't give you a single reason to confess any of that to me. I was such an ass." Arnav sighed.
"That you were." A small chuckle escaped her and the sound echoed in a quiet rumble of his chuckle. "I was going to tell you once..."
"I know." Arnav's response was simple. Sadness tinged his tone.
"You do?" Khushi frowned in confusion and lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.
"Your diary." Arnav shrugged gently.
"Right...I forgot about that." Khushi rested her head on his shoulder again.
"Would you have told me if I hadn't said that we couldn't be friends if the feelings weren't mutual?" Arnav asked quietly.
He felt her nod once and his jaw clenched in response.
"I only said that because I wanted you to stop being friends with Joel..." Arnav groaned. "How the hell didn't I put all this together back then?"
"You would have never thought because I didn't let anything slip... I was a good actor too, wasn't I? "
"That you were." Arnav copied her, making her smile.
"I was stupid too..." Khushi scoffed. "Even I didn't see that you got jealous of me dating other guys...You hated that...the kind of attention you gave me, the way you cared for me...I should have just gathered the courage and told you."
"And I should have stopped trying to make you jealous and use that energy to tell you the truth."
Khushi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "We were both very stupid..."
"Yes we were...me more so than you." Arnav turned his head briefly to kiss her hair. "You should go sleep...its almost one."
"can I sleep here?"
Arnav's heart skipped a beat at her request. She wanted to spend the night? Here? With him?
When he didn't answer, Khushi lifted her head off his shoulder and looked at him again. "Arnav?"
"hmm?" Arnav snapped out of his imaginative world.
Khushi raised an eyebrow. "Can I sleep here? With you? Like old times...?"
Arnav nodded slowly. How the hell was he supposed to refuse that offer? A small smile lit up his tensed features. "Yeah...as long as you don't try to wax my arm with tape in the morning."
Khushi threw her head back and laughed at the memory. She remembered that morning well. She had used a strip of duct tape to rip some hair off his arm so that he would wake up.
Arnav's lips stretched into a smile as he watched her and then his rumbling laughter joined hers. It seemed like forever since they had laughed or smiled so openly around one another.
It lasted a few short seconds because then, Khushi laughter turned into sobs. All the emotions that she had tried to hold on to for the last few days escaped from her binds and crushed down on her.
The joy of finding out that her love wasn't unrequited, the fear of the uncertain future, the shock of all the information, grief at being committed to another man, disgust at herself for feeling this way about a man who wasn't her fiance, helplessness with the situation, and pure anger at Payal and Anjali for what they'd done.
In the whirlpool of these emotions, there was also envy of all those who had the love of their life with them without complications, indignation at the hand life had dealt her, and utter confusion about what she was supposed to do now. And in the midst of this emotional storm, Khushi could only find one outlet...tears.
So she let them flow. It felt good to let it out somehow and since words had long deserted her, she wouldn't stop the tears from taking some pain away.
His anger at his sister and Payal returned with vengeance at the sight of Khushi sobbing in front of him. He stood up and pulled her up with him before crushing her in his embrace. He rocked her gently, hushing her, caressing her hair in a reassuring manner.
They stood like that for a long time, him whispering usual reassurances--anything that could potentially stop her from crying. But she had unleashed a dam and there was no stopping until she had let it all out.
"I don't know what to do!" Khushi half mumbled-half sobbed into his chest. "I am so confused...I don't think I'm processing anything anymore! This is too much to take! I can't handle it! I don't want to know more..."
"Shh Khushi..." arnav hugged her closer. "Don't think about anything...you don't need to say anything...I understand..."
"I cant do this anymore." Her voice choked. She pulled away from him just enough to look up meaningfully at his worried face. "Take me away from here, Arnav..."
The simple plea was written all over her face and swam in the form of tears in her eyes. All he was able to manage in response was a small nod.
Reassured by his silent promise, she hid her face in her chest and let him soothe away her sobs. A long couple of minutes later, when she finally had her emotions in check, Arnav kissed the top of her head.
"Go to sleep, Khushi..." he whispered.
She made no move for a few seconds and Arnav took the liberty to pull away from her, bend down, and scoop her into his arms. With a natural instinct, her arms wound around his neck and her head remained resting on his shoulder as he walked the few steps around the bed.
He placed her on the bed gently and scooted up next to her on the small space on her side. She looked up at him as if searching his face for something. He understood without her saying the words. She was trying to gauge the honesty of his promise.
"Go to sleep, baby...I'm here with you. When you wake up, I will take you as far away from here as you want...wherever you want...I promise. All that matters to me is your happiness...and I will do everything I can to give you that." He sealed the promise with a chaste kiss to her forehead.
Letting her use his chest as a pillow, he grabbed hold of one of her hands, silently promising his unyielding love and support. Clinging onto the familiar serenity that came with his presence, Khushi closed her eyes and mind and welcomed the numbing slumber.
This was a familiar territory. This was peaceful and calming as familiarity often is. The questions that remain now are...would the familiarity still be there when she woke up? Moreover, would she choose this familiarity for her future?
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